Snooze Button Hell: Dreamscape Gone Mad

I love sleep. Not going to lie, I love it like I love candy. When I don't have enough I get very crabby, and pine wistfully for those halcyon days when I could have as much as I wanted. Aaaah, weekends in junior high! When my parents were just happy I wasn't giving them the black eyeliner death stare while moping about begging for money. I can hear my mother now, whispering loudly outside my door, "Richard! Just let her sleep for Christ's sake. I know it's 2 p.m., but at least the air in here isn't quite so rank with teen ennui when she's under the covers!"

I particularly love that moment right before succumbing, and actually fight to stay awake in that suspended, half asleep state to enjoy it more. I find if I think about just the right things in just the right way I can sometimes induce a great dream, wherein I'm a pretty princess on a white pony, or some such awesomeness.

So there I am, maybe being fed crab meat off a diamond spoon by a silent smiling man, when that buzz intrudes. The siren call of morning. Only I tend to ignore it, and go back to sleep. WHERE'S MY MAN SERVANT? Oh, there he is. But wait....why does he have a bulbous red nose now? And where is my crab meat? Oh, he's going to massage my feet. Only he's not. Now he's pulling the skin off my toes to feet to his pet half goat/half dog. WHAT?!?

How does that brief interlude of wakefulness morph my dream into some nightmare landscape where ugly fish walk by waving top hats at me while I slowly drown in rancid butter? Is this punishment for not greeting the day with an immediate puritan work ethic? I ONLY WANTED 8 MORE MINUTES!!!!!

And it only gets worse from there. After the next snooze, it's a leprous goat eating my feet. Then 14 little people from the cast of Wizard of Oz are waving wands over my head, showering me with that original crab meat while goats walk over me, pushing me into the dirt. Etcetera, etcetera, ad infinitum. Or at least until I get fed up and get up, totally unrested and weirded out by my own subconscious.

I'M SORRY, sleep gods. Next time I'll get up. Next time I'll sage my damn room before dreaming. Because I am really NOT IMPRESSED with your nightmare version of my blissful rest. Suck it, snooze demons.

I need a nap.