Soap Will Not Cleanse You Of Your Sins

I've though about this blog for a while. Set it up, thought about possible first posts, and then left them unwritten. But here it is! Finally, a product that angered me enough to leave my apathy behind and put words to internet. A product that angered me MORE than the disposable one-use hand towels, which angered me mightily. Here it is, the subject of my inaugural rant: Lysol's No-Touch Hand Soap System! Because I'm sure you too have been found, bereft, standing at the sink thinking about how clean your hands would be, if only you didn't have to touch the soap dispenser!

Um, WHAT? So, Lysol, what you're telling me is that I might NEVER have to touch another dirty soap pump again? Well thank CHRIST for that! I can't tell you, internet, the sleepless nights I have spent wondering how on earth I could possibly succumb fully to the obsessive complusive need to wash wash wash my hands when they were CLEARLY not getting cleaned by soap I had to pump myself!

Sorry, indulge me for a moment. My hands are dirty. I go to the sink. Touch the clearly rancid and unholy spectre of the soap pump, thus soiling myself even further. BUT THEN I WASH MY HANDS, RIGHT??? The devil I see in my unclean palms is thus smited, no? Am I mistaken here, thinking that soap cleans? Curious.

Now I am unsure which of the other offensive angles to discuss next. Because obviously, the soap pump is full of anti-bacterial soap, as opposed to useless old regular soap. So let's kill ALL the bacteria we can. ALL OF IT! Except we can't, and now we have no immunity and the plague comes back and we're all dead. Or I could talk about how such an automatic beast must be solar powered, right? Only not, as the No-Touch Hand Soap System (TM, am I right?) requires 4 (yes four!) AA batteries. Which we all dispose of properly when they run out, instead of throwing them, leaking chemicals, into landfills near water sources. AAAGH!

Sometimes I just want people to lick old spots they think might possibly be chocolate off their hands and hope for the best. And by sometimes I mean all the time. And if I can talk a No-Touch Hand Soap System buyer into doing this, I sincerely hope it's not chocolate.

Oh, wait. I'm feeling a little better. I hated, I ranted, and now I feel...slightly cleansed. Aaaah. Sweet, sweet anger relief. Especially when I think about the No-Touch users trying to figure out how to turn the water off without touching that filthy tap! Although I DO know what could be used to dry their hands. I hear Kleenex makes a great new, one use disposable hand towel for at home use!

I feel another rant coming on already. This blog's going to be exhausting.
Go, internet. Run. Get dirty!